Emotional Damage?

My son has a doctor appointment this morning with a rheumatologist. He had some bloodwork done and it said he has Lupus. He gets a lot of fevers for no reason. Lupus is pretty rare in children so I have to wait and see what this doctor says. I’m not too worried yet, just have to wait and see what the treatment is, there’s no cure for Lupus, if he has it. Happy to say, he doesn’t have Lupus. He still needs to see an immunologist to find out why he gets his fevers, but it isn’t a huge worry about something too serious. This is where not worrying comes in handy.

Learning to accept things for what they are and not worry is something I’ve dealt with for many years now and I’m good at it. I wouldn’t say I’m heartless or emotionless, but certain things like worrying are something I don’t really do or have the capability of doing anymore. Worrying has channeled into acceptance of something and saying how do I fix it or treat it, instead of worrying about it. There have only been a handful of times when emotions truly affected me. Family members or close friends dying, my divorce, meeting the love of my life (RoxAna), my kid’s accomplishments, being so far away from my friends and family, those are emotional things that don’t require worry.

How my emotions work

Describing how my emotions work is very difficult to do. What can be devastating to one person, can be no big deal to me. Especially with medical diagnoses. I just accept something and try to fix it, or help fix it. Empathy, sympathy, sadness, I still feel those emotions, but on a different level. Remaining positive, calm, comforting, and finding the best solutions are what I’m good at now. It took me a long time to get this way, not really sure if it’s a good thing or not. Emotional side effects are common with brain injuries, or lack of emotions. What’s easy for one person to deal with, may not be easy for another person. We all handle life in different ways.

Here’s an example, sorry mom. The last time my mom went to the emergency room for an illness, I have to admit that I didn’t worry too much. I was concerned of course, but until a diagnosis is confirmed, I don’t worry. Luckily it wasn’t too serious. Is concern the same as worry? Maybe they are similar and I just don’t know the difference? If there had been a bad diagnosis, I would have remained calm and comforting and try to find the best solution. It’s hard finding solutions when we are overcome with emotions, that’s where I come in.

See, I do have some emotions

I don’t cry very often, and it takes a lot to truly get me angry. I have no problem getting irritated for some reason. During my job search, I don’t know if it was frustration or worry. Probably both. I know I was irritated for months. Quitting my last job, there was really no concern or worry because I have another job lined up. If I didn’t have another job lined up, the frustration and irritation would have probably come back. I don’t think I will be completely satisfied until I start bringing in a regular and steady paycheck. Is that concern or worry? Who knows and it doesn’t really matter at this point. I’ve made my choices and will live with the consequences, if there are any.

I’m very good at adjusting and adapting. There’s been no choice in that respect. Crawling up into a little ball and complaining is something I don’t do. Asking for help is something I hate doing, but some circumstances have forced me to do just that. Some of it has been my fault, but things outside of my control are the worst. Complacency is a foreign word to me.

Being so far away from friends and family, there’s a feeling that I’m slipping away and being forgotten sometimes. Do I regret decisions I’ve made? Of course not, it’s just how life works. I don’t know if there’s an emotion for that, I guess sadness maybe? Every major decision I make has a good reason behind it. Maybe it’s the wrong decision, but a decision nonetheless. I deal with it the same way every one of us does, that nasty word rationalization. We can rationalize anything we want. So here I am now, writing this, it’s a little emotional. I want to feel emotions, it lets me know I’m still here on this Earth and not in the Matrix.

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