Recent

I can say that there’s been a lot going on lately. Working was something that I have been planning on for a while now. That’s why I went back to college to get my degree. Although I have been forced to go back to work, I still need to find a career that I can actually do. Limitations are a huge part of my life and my disabilities didn’t suddenly disappear. Being forced to go back to work isn’t a good feeling physically. Mentally, working will give me something I haven’t had in many years, a purpose.

My First Job

I started working as a project manager. That is a pretty good feeling to start off as a manager and learning a lot. I have a lot to learn of course. The people I work with are nice and have been treating me well as a new employee. There is a lot of potential, but it will take time. My biggest hurdle is the toll it is taking on me. I am on my feet all day and I spend a lot of time outside in the heat. At the end of the day, I can say I did a good job and learned more. It is a traveling job and I spend time away from home. The time away varies, but I’ve only been there for a short time so this is my first job.

For most people, this job would be relatively easy. From what I’ve seen, no one really has a problem with the physical aspect of the job. For me, it’s a different story. I am sore and tired at the end of the day. The soreness would probably go away at some point, once I got used to it. The dizziness and nausea are what worry me. There’s also an unfortunate side effect of my medications, sweating. It’s just gross and uncomfortable. My shirt gets soaked whether I’m inside or outside. I show up for work, after 5 minutes, the sweat just pours out as soon as I start walking. Just from walking, that’s not normal. My arm hair sweats, I have sweat coming out of places I didn’t know existed.

Effects

I fell down today while I was carrying a box. There was another box on the floor and my foot found it. It was like a slow motion fall, like watching a building tip over. Nothing happened and I was fine. One of the other managers saw it happen. I don’t think anyone knows about my disability and my history, so he just saw it as an accident and no big deal. It scared me a little bit. It’s hard to admit that I am suffering and really have no energy after I get off of work.

Will things improve if I keep working at this job? What if they do improve? What if they don’t improve? How much time do I give it? It hasn’t been too much time so far, but it is taking a toll on me. And it worries me. Enduring my limitations every single day is not fun at all. I was late to work this morning, slept right through my alarm. My body is telling me what I can’t do. It isn’t a good feeling knowing I can’t do a job that should be relatively easy for me.

Realizations

Well, I have known for many years that I have limitations. There’s only so much I can do. I like to test my limitations sometimes. Usually by just doing yard work or something like that. When I push my limits, I pay for it physically. I am very familiar with dizziness and nausea, but they are not my friends.

This job isn’t all that physical, a lot of walking around, carrying things, but nothing too extreme. I found out the first day how my body was going to react. Realizing that my limits weren’t going to change simply by having a job, I had to find a job where my talents would be more important than my limitations and where I wouldn’t have to test my limits on a daily basis. Where I wouldn’t come home exhausted and feeling like crap. But I had to try. That was more important to me than anything, trying.

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